On Anger

 On Anger

Angered I was by the relatives I bore.
 Angry I was at what fate had in store.
 Angry I was at the circumstances that
looked me in the eye
Angry I was, I thought I would die.

Anger had had the better of me,
Angry I was, I thought I’d always be.

Angered by apathy, oh! Poor me!
Anger, anger, just set me free.

My soul charred as coal, at the regular burns;
had set ablaze a heart of gold,
The tiring onslaught of animosity
My heart; weary and cold.

A rainbow; a dew drop; a gentle breeze,
was all it took to heal the hurt,
a few deep breaths of love and care,
Anger withered like dust and dirt.

back again..

It's been so long since I've blogged. I find myself fumbling and fighting my way through the keys. I have actually forgotten how to get my way through to the comments section or other options. So, I thought it would be best to just write. I found my way through and am finally here :-)
I find myself pressing the 'ENTER' button after every sentence! As if that's not enough, I am constantly adding emoticons to each sentence.

My vocabulary has gone to the dogs. I have learnt the language of the Gen next. I have transformed myself into this monster who can juggle my numbers with alphabets in a weird concoction and juggle out a new lingo! I said it. :-) and there goes the smiley. I will not abstain from the use of things that make me happy.

Hope I can add a post to my blog at least once a week. 

Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Rest in Peace, Gabriel Garcia Marquez --

Some people have the ability to touch your heart without ever having met you -- They are authors. One such author walked the Earth and left behind a richer world.. He will be missed. Here are a few gems that I stacked into my closet of words. The literary world is abuzz with life because he wrote. Wish he could write more, but feeling blessed he wrote as much as he did.. 

“No medicine cures what happiness cannot."
“wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good.”
 “Morality, too, is a question of time.”
 “What matters in life is not what happens to you but what you remember and how you remember it.”
“Perhaps this is what the stories meant when they called somebody heartsick. Your heart and your stomach and your whole insides felt empty and hollow and aching.” “He dug so deeply into her sentiments that in search of interest he found love, because by trying to make her love him he ended up falling in love with her. Petra Cotes, for her part, loved him more and more as she felt his love increasing, and that was how in the ripeness of autumn she began to believe once more in the youthful superstition that poverty was the servitude of love. Both looked back then on the wild revelry, the gaudy wealth, and the unbridled fornication as an annoyance and they lamented that it had cost them so much of their lives to find the paradise of shared solitude. Madly in love after so many years of sterile complicity, they enjoyed the miracle of living each other as much at the table as in bed, and they grew to be so happy that even when they were two worn-out people they kept on blooming like little children and playing together like dogs.”-- One hundred years of solitude
“To him she seemed so beautiful, so seductive, so different from ordinary people, that he could not understand why no one was as disturbed as he by the clicking of her heels on the paving stones, why no one else's heart was wild with the breeze stirred by the sighs of her veils, why everyone did not go mad with the movements of her braid, the flight of her hands, the gold of her laughter. He had not missed a single one of her gestures, not one of the indications of her character, but he did not dare approach her for fear of destroying the spell.”-- Love in the time of cholera
“It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment.”
“Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, but ... life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves.”
“Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, but ... life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves.”
 “I discovered that my obsession for having each thing in the right place, each subject at the right time, each word in the right style, was not the well-deserved reward of an ordered mind but just the opposite: a complete system of pretense invented by me to hide the disorder of my nature. I discovered that I am not disciplined out of virtue but as a reaction to my negligence, that I appear generous in order to conceal my meanness, that I pass myself off as prudent because I am evil-minded, that I am conciliatory in order not to succumb to my repressed rage, that I am punctual only to hide how little I care about other people’s time. I learned, in short, that love is not a condition of the spirit but a sign of the zodiac.” “She knew that he loved her above all else, more than anything in the world, but only for his own sake.”
 “No matter what, nobody can take away the dances you've already had.”
“Together they had overcome the daily incomprehension, the instantaneous hatred, the reciprocal nastiness, and fabulous flashes of glory in the conjugal conspiracy. It was time when they both loved each other best, without hurry or excess, when both were most conscious of and grateful for their incredible victories over adversity. Life would still present them with other moral trials, of course, but that no longer mattered: they were on the other shore.”
“Just because someone does not love you as you want, it does not mean that you do not love with all his being.” Intrigued by that enigma, he dug so deeply into her sentiments that in search of interest he found love, because by trying to make her love him he ended up falling in love with her.” “My most important problem was destroying the lines of demarcation that separate what seems real from what seems fantastic.”“No matter what you do this year or in the next hundred, you will be dead forever.”
 “If God, for a second, forgot what I have become and granted me a little bit more of life,  I would use it to the best of my ability. I wouldn't, possibly, say everything that is in my mind, but I would be more thoughtful of all I say. I would give merit to things not for what they are worth, but for what they mean to express. I would sleep little, I would dream more, because I know that for every minute that we close our eyes, we waste sixty seconds of light. I would walk while others stop; I would awake while others sleep. If God would give me a little bit more of life, I would dress in a simple manner, I would place myself in front of the sun, leaving not only my body, but my soul naked at its mercy. To all men I would say how mistaken they are when they think that they stop falling in love when they grow old, without knowing that they grow old when they stop falling in love. I would give wings to children, but I would leave it to them to learn how to fly by themselves. 
To old people I would say that death doesn't arrive when they grow old, but with forgetfulness.I have learned so much with you all, I have learned that everybody wants to live on top of the mountain, without knowing that true happiness is obtained in the journey taken and the form used to reach the top of the hill. I have learned that when a newborn baby holds, with its little hand, his father's finger, it has trapped him for the rest of his life.I have learned that a man has the right and obligation to look down at another man, only when that man needs help to get up from the ground. Say always what you feel, not what you think. If I knew that today is the last time that that I am going to see you asleep, I would hug you with all my strength and I would pray to the Lord to let me be the guardian angel of your soul. 
If I knew that these are the last moments to see you, I would say 'I love you'. 
There is always tomorrow, and life gives us another opportunity to do things right, but in case I am wrong, and today is all that is left to me, I would love to tell you how much I love you and that I will never forget you.Tomorrow is never guaranteed to anyone, young or old. Today could be the last time to see your loved ones, which is why you mustn't wait; do it today, in case tomorrow never arrives. I am sure you will be sorry you wasted the opportunity today to give a smile, a hug, a kiss, and that you were too busy to grant them their last wish.Keep your loved ones near you; tell them in their ears and to their faces how much you need them and love them. 
Love them and treat them well; take your time to tell them 'I am sorry';' forgive me',' please' 'thank you', and all those loving words you know. Nobody will know you for your secret thought. Ask the Lord for wisdom and strength to express them. Show your friends and loved ones how important they are to you.Send this letter to those you love. If you don't do it today...tomorrow will be like yesterday, and if you never do it, it doesn't matter, either, the moment to do it is now.” 

Think Fest -- What was he thinking??

The new poster boy of 'sexual misconduct', Mr Tarun Tejpal, finally arrived at Goa Airport on 29th November 2013. It does seem like a good Friday -- The weather is pleasantly good. The political weather however, seems to be getting hotter with the elections just around the corner. Anything and everything that holds any value in the social domain is utilized by the political parties. Vijay Jolly is the new 'Great artist' of India and his masterpiece; painted on Shoma Chaudhury's nameplate is the latest attraction. The black abstract art, so gloriously painted by him, at the entrance of the Managing Editor of Tehelka's house turned out to be a major embarrassment for the BJP. He did say sorry and senior BJP leaders say we must forget the matter now. Well! do we have a choice??

I may have chanelled out into a different topic but the main topic of discussion isn't forgotten. Tarun Tejpal it is. Today the media has finally taken their eyes off him -- but just for a night. Come tomorrow and the hysteria will resume. Channels will compete in frenzied chaos. Each channel will try to outdo the other in the coverage of the case. Some channels can disgust you with their enactment and dramatization of the case. This new case is of one of their own bretheren and all media houses want to show their unbiased approach. I will not do justice to this piece of writing if I do not mention Arnab Goswami. His new found toy is Tarun Tejpal and he's bound to play with it till he's assured that there's no life left in Mr TT.

The cause of the girl, a journalist, is lost amongst the whole fiasco. She has openly claimed in her mail to the Managing Editor of Tehelka that she was sexually molested by the 'Boss'. The MD covered it up by asking Tarun Tejpal to quit. He quit with an apology that claimed that it was just a drunken banter. He thought he would be let off by using his excellent writing skills but things weren't as easy as was made out to be. The email got leaked out into the press and all hell broke loose. The girl, mustered up all her strength and has decided to fight one of the strongest men in the country. He was after all one of the best in the media.


 Almost every institution goes through their 'in-house'  punishments and hush-ups. Very few cases reach the courts. A friend just mentioned that the Indian men's 'sexual awakening' was suddenly on an upward drive. I disagree with her. It's the women/girls who have become bolder. They are at par with their male counterparts and know how to deal with men. They know they have to take a stand at work place. Tarun Tejpal, when he appeared at the Delhi airport had a smirk on his face. A near shadow of amusement at being on the other side of the camera. A man who has had such a graceful and strong media presence for almost two decades was at the receiving end. It was almost as if he didn't believe this was happening to him. The ladies of his house hold went all out to protect him by shielding his face and shooing away the cameramen. It was a very unfortunate sight and they didn't deserve all this. But, a persons wrong doings does pave the way for a lot of embarrassment for the family too.


This case ceases to be just about Tarun Tejpal and his subordinate. It is about all women who go through sexual advances in work places. However, it doesn't happen everyday that a man of such stature is caught in the midst of such heavy artillery. The entire country wants some kind of reaction from the judiciary. It isn't a secret that the man in question was inclined towards the Congress govt. That makes it even more interesting. Would the situation still be the same had he done the same thing in a Congress ruled state?  Certainly not. He would've been a free man and the whole case would've been brushed under a carpet of lies and concocted stories. But, things are different and there is hope. Hope, that the girl will get justice. The entire country is watching this high  profile case which would certainly be a benchmark in the history of Independent India.

'Tehelka'  it is. The magazine has reached a full circle. With the resignation of two stalwarts of the magazine, things will never be the same. And, before Tarun Tejpal exits from the media scene, he can have a 'Think Fest' in his mind and let the world know what he was thinking !!

That sense of loss

When you see houses falling off into the gushing river, you can't do anything but stare at the videos in horror. The hills slid down, carrying with it the entire living world. I haven't lost anyone to the Uttarakhand floods, and yet the feeling of loss has me in a daze. The vulnerability of the people, who were there without food or water for many days is bound to shake even the toughest of souls. The thought that water, our lifeline, can kill people in one giant sweep has left the entire country in a new-found sense of disbelief -- The disbelief at the magnanimity of the disaster at a place considered sacred by the Hindus. People visited Kedarnath with a  faith that God lived there himself and would protect them. The wrath of nature has left them spell bound, homeless and in pain. The loss is irrepairable.

Oh! that feeling of loss. Everyone has felt it and yet the thought of losing even a small little piece of memory can be so painful. The thought of losing your loved ones leaves one with a sense of despair and if its unexpected, the grief is even more. Being caught unawares creates an impact that is unimaginable by a mind that has been tuned to complacency and the thought that nothing bad can happen to us. I remember I lost my children's clothes. They were all old clothes and the kids had outgrown them. I, however hung on to the memories. The red dress was worn when the kid was one year old and the blue dress was worn by the younger one when the kid had taken its first step. The whole bundle of clothes had been set aside and had to be kept in another trunk, but it didn't happen. The clothes were left behind, as they looked old. I still feel the loss. I had lost the memories and I do not have those precious things I can pass on to my next generation. The material things don't really matter. It was the love and smiles that were wrapped in those old clothes that made them so priceless.

Anyone who reads this would think I have lost my mind. I thought so too for a very long time. Today when I see people who have lost everything, I console myself with the thought that the people who wore the clothes are fine. The family and loved ones are safe and sound and that's what really matters.  

A little piece of cake

A man walked past a tall building and looked up to see the end of the building which seemed blurred. The clouds had covered the extreme end of the building. The evening was eager to turn into darker shades of grey and it seemed it would rain. The man took out his umbrella which was a combination of the brightest colours, all attached together and shone in all its brightness. The man walked at a fast pace. After a little while and a few kilometers of walking,  he thought he heard footsteps following him. He stopped and turned around to see who it was. There was no one there.

He went ahead, pacing his steps as he felt a tinge of fear. His could hear his heart beat as he ran. Rain drops poured down heavily and the sound of the footsteps ran with him. "Who is it?" he asked, but, there was no reply. He thought it was his imagination playing games with him. "But, I did hear footsteps", he said to himself. He looked around and saw a shop keeper shutting down the shop. Across the street, a couple, huddled under a lone umbrella, walked by. There were a few workers down the road, all ready to leave for home after a hard day at work. Somewhere there was music. It sounded so familiar, the man wanted to sing. He tried to sing but the lyrics were hard to remember, so, he just hummed and walked on. He had to head home as everyone was waiting. He had to get home as it was his son's birthday. His one year old boy, who had just started calling him 'Papa!"

The child had brought about so much happiness in their lives, he wished his days would last forever. He had never been happier in his life. He was almost home and could see the light from inside the house. He also saw lots of people in his house. He didn't know why they were there. "Oh! that must be for the birthday party", he said to himself. He almost rushed. He could hear his excitement as he ran. The rains had stopped and he hadn't realised. He was home. He opened the gates of his house and called out " Meera!" . There was no reply. There were so many people she mustn't have heard, he thought. He shouted again.

It was then that he realised people were sobbing. Why were people sobbing on his son's birthday? why? He thought. He moved steered himself across the room to the place where everyone was pointing. He reached the place and saw a man lying there. "Who could it be?" he asked himself. He went ahead and saw a man -- the man looked like him. He turned to the lady standing beside him exclaimed "Who is that?", but, she didn't seem to listen. So, he yelled at the top of his voice. No one listened to him. He saw his father and brother carrying that man away and tried to stop them. No one listened to him.

He wanted to meet his son, so he walked into his son's room, where the child sat staring at the cake that he had to cut. He wished his son. The child blinked his eyes, smiled and looked up at him, then crawled toward the cake and put his little hands on the cake and scooped out some of it.

realisation@life

I realised I can't run anymore.. I  CAN'T RUN!! I really can't run!!



What happened? When did life fly by? And, I was so caught up in flying, I forgot how to RUN!!



Today, I have a date with the treadmill and sincerely hope it can carry my weight..

Morning chime..

Mornings are for walks! Well! Apparently for some people, they are. I happen to be on the other side of the fence. I believe mornings are to sleep. But, there was a phase in my life when I managed to walk the roads with the saffron rays of the Sun glowing on my face.  Pulling myself away from the inviting coziness of the slept-in bed was a struggle but I would be successful in changing into a fresh set of clothes and shoes and off I went. The Sun would still be in its slumber, but I would be wide awake.


The fog in all its whiteness would greet me and I would jog off. The waves lashed at the rocks and water splashed on my face. The last bit of sleep would vanish from my face when this happened. I would finally smile and be happy about the morning. The whole world seemed bright and joyful. The sea on one side seemed happier to see me ( so I felt!!) It would be so welcoming that I felt like diving into it. The Sun would rise lazily, yawning as it rose, like it wanted to go back to sleep and wasn't too keen on rising. The saffron light came first and then shone the tiny curve that engulfed the giant ball of fiery orange.When the first light of the Sun hit us, with the waters of the Bay of Bengal shimmering in the backdrop, my heart would nearly stop. I wished I could capture that moment somewhere, but then the best moments in life can't be captured by the camera. They are stuck in the mind and heart and can be cherished in solitude.



All kinds of people -- old , young, students, men, women were on the streets in the morning. It was a wonderland, as everyone was busy preparing for the day. One old man had the habit of rotating his hands as though they were a swing. I wanted to warn him that his hands might just fall off his body some day -- I didn't. I did try it myself (jut once!) There was this young -fat guy who thought he was moon-walking. He swayed his body to the tunes of the music that was being played in his ear-phones. Another guy was on the road just to show-off his well-sculpted body. There were women too. One, a girl in her mid twenties, jogged   in such style - she almost made the world stop and stare at her as she passed by. She, I later came to know, was a model. Another lady, in her early forties stomped in her black tracks, wishing secretly that she would be noticed. She seemed so conscious of herself, she tripped almost every now and then.


 Kids skated on the roads, each trying to outrun the other. Each one dreaming to go on to win the Olympics. (One little girl from amongst them has gone on to become a National Champion.) There were a few kids who, like me weren't too keen to prove anything to the world. Their parents coaxed them on and they skated like they were doing people a favour by skating. There were some tourists, mainly from Bengal, who were busy shopping while the kids caught on with the horse riding and eating. The Kali temple at the beach road was abuzz with activity early in the morning and the pandit, who knew me would set aside some prasad for me. I would take it and sit by the beach and gaze at the waves. The waves are different in the mornings. They are more like a kid who has just learnt walking and falls every time he/she gets up to walk.



I wouldn't do justice to the walkers club, if I don't mention them. A keen group of enthusiastic people had come together to form this club and would meet at the beach road and have lots of discussions and plans for the city. However, there were a few old men who preferred to sit and stare at everyone that passed by (They stared at everything female!!) There were groups of dancers who practiced their art and there were also some artists who sculpted on sand. The sand- wonders  usually made it to the pages of the newspaper and were well appreciated. The morning would hurry to catch up with the day I would head home. There were people who were still waking up or so I thought. It was actually the fishermen returning after a long night at sea. The sea would be dotted with white sails. Back home, a steaming cup of coffee and the wind chime that sang sweetly in the sea breeze would usher in a new day.

Speak up..

Someone once told me my feet aren't pretty. "In fact they are ugly!" she shrieked. I wanted to turn around and tell her that my feet were prettier than her face. But, I stopped myself. We do these things. We stop ourselves from saying we really want to say. All that, as we want to prevent unnecessary drama in our lives. There are however, some people, mostly relatives, who don't think for a split second of what effect their words would have on the other person. If the people are in-laws, well, words flow. The veil of respect is torn aside and hurting with words becomes a way of life. The hurt is covered with a veil of ‘frankness’ or ‘openness’. But, people term it as acceptable and in turn expect tolerance  from the person who has just come into their lives.

The line between being caring and showing that you care can be defined even by a kid. When a person really cares, they don't need to show the world and when a person doesn't care, he/she tries to show off to the world, for whatever reasons. when people care, they try to make others happy and politely say things that they feel isn't right. But, when there is no concern or respect for the other person, people take to a franker tone of speech. Being frank, (read rude ) is a premeditated act  by people who think they are powerful and the feeling of being powerful comes from being the boy's parents (esp in India). The fact that society approves of the grooms parents as being a notch higher in the society, gives them certain liberties, which they flamboyantly exhibit. This error in judgement by the society has given rise to a dowry-prone, rape-victimised, female- infanticidal, patriarchal society.

Why are people frank with some people and careful with others when Frankness usually ends in someone being hurt. I have encountered many a frank souls in my life who had an opinion about everything I did or was about to do. Walk like this - talk like that - your parents don't know - you are slow - raise your kids like I did - feed them like I did. Comments on everything one does can lead one to a point of snapping. Even to the point of losing one’s mind. We are in a culture that tells its girls to respect elders. So much so that the girl loses track and forgets she is a human being too. A woman doesn't realise when her life gets abusive and disrespectful.

  

What does a woman trapped in such a situation do? Does she just lie back and listen to everything and then commit a crime against herself by hanging herself from a piece of cloth that should've adorned her? Does she complain? or does she just bow out of the marriage and deny herself the little pleasures of a happy family life? It is absolutely important that a girl speaks up for herself and in time. If she speaks up when it’s too late, her pain will not affect anyone. Questions will be raised about the timing of her outburst, as it will be just that – an outburst. All the grief that’s bottled up within her would just blow the lid off one day. And, it’s important that her near and dear ones believe her and take action against the people who belittle her dignity. The society may blame her, as the 'society' needs to talk about things. She however mustn't forget that she is a part of the same society and she needs to change the place and make it better and respectful.

When I was in such a situation, I bore the brunt for twenty years. I did not speak up as the family’s pride had to be kept intact. On the first day after twenty years, I listened to myself and shouted out with all my strength. I was yelled at jeered, taunted, stared at  and then ignored. But, I was finally free..

Women can wait

When people have borne the pain of living in a place governed by an insensitive government, they revolt. In a democracy where people are given the right to speak for themselves, a few hundred people, mostly youngsters are embroiled in a sea of empathy towards a girl who was gang-raped in a moving bus in the heart of the country - the Capital of the country. There were cries for justice. On the first day youngsters protested peacefully and the anger of the of the protesters seemed channelized. The second morning massive police deployement at the India gate stopped youngsters from protesting there and the protesters were beaten up by the police. Young girls scuttled under the bus so they wouldn't get carried away by the police and the scenes which were captured on camera shook the entire nation. I cried. Who wouldn't?


The young girls who are harassed almost every day of their lives cried out for justice and bore the lathicharge bravely. Their resolve to fight for their rights was so strong that the momentary pain of the blow of the police lathis  didn't deter them. The water cannons couldn't douse the the fire that burnt within the protesters. Men and women  and children of all ages had been united for a cause -- a cause so just and yet so bitterly avoided(by the politicians). Women leaders from across party lines voiced their opinions at the horrendous act of the gang that had the audacity to rape and torture a woman. The surprising part was that most men preferred to keep their views to themselves. Men are clearly ashamed as they know where their thoughts move and at what pace!!


Peace marches ended and then a spate of comments from the likes of the RSS chief to Asaram  and a few like minded misogynists, who have forgotten they entered the world through a passage of painful convulsions. Oh! did I forget to mentionn Mr Mukherjee, our Presidents son (That's his only claim to fame, after all!) His comment managed to draw the media's glare away from the death of the policeman and the lies of the Delhi police. Today, the cries for justice have died down.. Life is back to its usual mundane self. But, the fear remains. The number of rape cases hasn't gone down. People have certainly taken it in their stride to be more aware and to help others around them. The government however, is busy -- in resolving larger issues like Kashmir and the economic dyamics of the country. The suddenness of the recent Kashmir issue has just ignited a flame of suspicion. Was it really Pakistan's fault? That is a question I'd rather keep to myself, for the fear of being jailed!! As for women..


Women can wait.